Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Don't Read This....Twilight...A Teeny Analysis

Do you know what this is?

This is the first image to come from the film Twilight: Breaking Dawn. The history of me and Twilight, or rather Twilight and I, dates back to just when I was finishing high school. It was around this time, Breaking Dawn had just come out and gaggles of girls in grades lower than me, had gathered with one another to share their reading stories and favourite moments from the series. At the time, I had a girlfriend who had just gotten into the series and hearing the small reports from other friends and internet trolling for Da B3st!! book evaraz~1!!!2, I had  come to the conclusion that this was probably going to be a new scourge placed on the adolescent female but in 3 books/37 chapteres.
Like getting your period...in 3 books/37 Chapters
The actual content of the Twilight books range from barely coherent glimpses into the life of a teenage girl and overly romantic sentiments that would either have you arrested or an AVO placed on you. The final book in the series climaxes (no pun intended) with the two protagonists, Bella and Edward consumating their marriage after a frolic in a lake. Their actual sexual congress, whilst I have not read it, basically contains a sequence, in which their sex is so out of control and violent that Bella is knocked unconscious, only to awake with bruises all over her body and Edward saying sorry and getting her breakfast in bed and blah blah blah.
That image above, is basically the selling point for the final film in the series. Or should I say films. Following the Harry Potter route, the final film is split up into two parts, which is kind of strange with the final book in the Harry Potter series, the incredibly likeable nature of killing off characters, dramatic tension, interesting character arcs and tying up plot threads is a wholesome and believable, Breaking Dawn on the other hand, is not so much.
They love sleeping from tips to toes...it's the most exciting thing they do.
The actual nature of Bella and Edward getting together is a minor thread upon the existence of their world. They had solved their biological puzzle long ago back in the first novel. Bella and his family get along pretty well and they are able to stave off their own bloodlust to actual put up with banality, even for hours at a time. Of course in New Moon, the tension is slightly ramped up when Ms. Swan accidentally shows she is human and bleeds like normal people and that is disrupted, but eventually solved. Then Edward goes away, then Bella becomes a whinging brat who's anti-social and destructive behaviour fuels her lust for other men in her life, basically showing she has hybristophilia and is essentially a whore. That is eventually resolved when she goes all the way to find Edward, he proposes, end of story.....till Eclipse.
Eclipse is essentially instead of warring vampires, warring sides as the deaths of both vampires and werewolves hit breaking point and then there's a whole bunch of lovey dovey crap, in which Jacob, her secondary love interest stands around, acting awkward, hitting on an engaged woman like a drunken fat guy who invades a hen's night. That is resolved.
Finally, the major problem in Breaking Dawn...their children will kill them. Yeah, apparently vampire babies in human wombs, not a great idea. So Edward turns her vampire and the baby survives....oh sorry, spoiler alert. 
Now, look at that above image again, let's break it down into four parts.
  1. For an AVERAGE FEMALE viewer: Alright, so they do it and she loves it and that's awesome, look at all the feathers, they probably really have a great time, that's so sweet. I might see this one.
  2. For a MALE MOVIE BUFF: I didn't really see the first one, but this one has sex, so clearly. Look at that clenched hand and all those pillows. They must do it hard. I might see this one.
  4. For ME: ....Fuck....Off.
Dear Kristen Stewart: What is right with your face?....

The image tries to sell sex in the most romantic way possible and it shows that the final one is kinda selling itself already on sex. Sure, there is all the pre-hype, the trailers, the will-they-won't-they tabloid pics of K-Ste and R-Pattz, who I know is a smarter man and should be taking on better and more interesting roles like his Harry Potter and Zac Efron teen counter-parts.
Of course this is coming from me (Re: Read the name) and my actual contribution to a billion dollar franchise is quite limiting and the actual realisation that many women in their early 20's and 30's who read this now will probably not grow out of their mental instability to realise that there are men like Edward out there, it's just that they're probably behind bars or on medication. It's a fad I hope that girls of this generation will look back on with disgust.
TOTAL BOX OFFICE PREDICTION (For both movies combined): 1.56 Billion Dollars
So tomorrow I plan on writing a tale called Palelight By Stephen Lee Mayer. The story of a teenage boy, a stalkerish girl and a plan that backfires...


  1. when were the movies not selling themselves on sex? rpattz is sex to most teenage girls

  2. The films were not always trying to sell themselves on sex, the books post-Twilight, were.
    There's nothing inherently sexy to the average viewer looking into the Twilight world. The actual marketing itself from the Twilight films was mainly the fandom, to the audience that wanted it, but now they are quite weary from the release of the 2nd and 3rd film, they're trying to reach out to a different audience. For this final film, to release that as the first image, online no-less, is meant to be quite explosive, in terms of the impact it's meant to have.